Dear Goat Community,
I used to be a big fan of yours. I thought you were all super cute, and all I wanted was a pet goat. I was going to name it Chifres -- 'horns' in Portuguese.
"But Mana Helena, ALL goats have horns. That name makes no sense," a Mozambican said, "Why would you distinguish your goat with something that every goat has? That would be like calling a dog Tail, or a cow Udder."
Look, whatever, ok!? I wanted a goat, and I was going to name it Chifres. Chifres and I would frolic together daily under the warm African sun.
But now?
I. HATE. YOU. ALL.
You are everywhere, all the time! You eat everything, and poop on all surfaces. In the morning, I wake up to your constant bleating. "BAAAAAAAH. BAAAAAH. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" 4 a.m., 5 a.m., 6 a.m... do you have nothing better to do all day!? Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!
After being woken by your chorus of torture, I step outside to the lovely smell of your feces. Most days, the porch that I painstakingly swept and mopped the day before looks like this:
 |
| Poppy says, "Yum, snacktime!" |
That's not all. You eat my dog's food when I'm not looking. You sneak into my house when I doze off with the door open. You pee on the door at night and pee seeps in under the door. You smell terrible. You track mud everywhere. And you sound like screaming children. I heard enough screaming children for a lifetime whilst working at a pre-school, OK, goats? At least my pre-schoolers were adorable and had winning personalities. What do you have to offer? Nothing!
So here's the deal. You need to step it up, goats. You need to get your act together. Stop pooping all over the place. Stop waking me up at all hours. If this situation doesn't improve, I'm going to have to take some drastic measures.
Sincerely,
Professora Helena
Concerned Neighbor
P.S. If I ever get a cow, I'm totally naming it Udder.
P.P.S Ducks, watch out. You're next.
(Translated into Goat, this letter reads:
BAAAA. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. BAAAHBAHAAAHHHH. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. BAAH. BAAAH BAAAAAAAAHAAAAABAAA. BAA BAA BAAAH. BAAAAAAAH "Udder".)
Goat is clearly a much more efficient language than English.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't stop laughing. Goats are the worst XD
ReplyDeleteClearly, Goat language has a complex morphological structure.
DeleteAnimals are so much less cute when they keep you up at night and poop everywhere.
ReplyDeletePC/Paraguay has a famous story of a volunteer who would find the neighbor's cow, each week, eating her underwear off her clothesline. Finally, when the cow ate her last pair of underwear she burst, ran out of her house and stabbed the cow with a kitchen knife, multiple times.
So, I hope you can keep your sanity, and keep the knives hidden when the goats are around!
Devo
Bahahaha, that's a great story, Devo! PC Moz's funny animal story is this:
DeleteIn Mozambique, most towns and cities have what's called a Praça dos Herois, a little marker built by the government where official things usually take place. These are official government areas and you're not really supposed to take pictures of them and stuff. Anyway, this one volunteer a few years ago got arrested for -- get this -- burying her dead cat in the Praça. Oops.
Very funny - each time I read it, I start laughing again just picturing you and those cute goats. My uncle has goats - his are the small variety and he uses them to keep his fields clear (they eat most anything, weeds, etc.). His are rather friendly, but he does keep them inside fences and they will sometimes butt with their horns. Fortunatley they are the small variety - and he only keeps about 5 - 7 at a time. When he gets too many goats, he sells one or two for the meat - maybe you could start a business? Mrs. H.
ReplyDeleteOops, misspelled fortunately - librarians cannot do that! Mrs.H.
Delete<3 I would send you a sheep, but I feel it would just become the ringleader of the group. However, you could use him to knit a sweater! (Which I am sure you need)
ReplyDelete